Tuesday, August 16, 2005

todays email to my best friend

Hi! I miss you! I am getting depressed about turning 30 and part of me wants it to pass quietly with little fan fare-- my boyfriend is not a planner and will not be planning anything more than a dinner for me-- and honestly, i think i just would want to have a nice dinner with lots of wine and good food and conversation, i was going to maybe have a party on the roof of my place, but when i started thinking about it, I really don't have enough friends up here that would even come, or that i would feel like celebrating with.
Or maybe we could go to a winery somewhere in santa barbara or temecula-- i've never done that before, i don't know, i hate planning my own birthday, I love planning other peoples, but hate mine. I don't like to be the center of attention, I don't like to feel like people need to go out of their way for me, I can't even remember what i did last year for my birthday, or the year before that...
sorry, i think that i am just depressed today. I need a job. I hate looking for one, so now i need to figure out what i want to do so i can do something full time. My house is a mess and I have no energy to clean it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm with the right person, or I am just trying to make him the right person because I don't want to go through dating again, but it would be nice to be with someone that is a little less selfish and doesn't think it is a burden to plan something nice for my birthday! I need to clean out my closet, throw away stuff I never wear. I'm out of conditioner and can't afford to buy the good stuff my hair needs.
Hmmmmm, i think thats it-- did you see Jody's wedding pictures? they look really happy....
i wish i could just run away to italy and live and love and laugh and sip esspressos at a little cafe.

That is how I feel today!
thanks for listening


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